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Clingons

Author: robert | Posted: 04.08.2008 | Views: 29

You may call them by a different name but we have all met them. Clingons, not to be mistaken for Klingons for all those Star Trek dill holes that just got pissy about a spelling error, are those people who will never leave you the hell alone. You talk to them once and you are officially adopted as their "bestest friend in the whole wide world". They track you down and suck your will to live. I think that they feed off your independence and in turn use it to fuel their ever incessant compilation of mix tapes defining your friendship. There are a few different types of clingons that I have had the displeasure to witness. They are as follows:

The People Pleaser Clingon: This one is mildly annoying. This is the absolute epitome of a kiss ass. They think that by doing everything they can to make you happy that you will want to be their friend. However it turns out that they just spend their time making you grumpy by always asking you if they can do something for you when you wish they would eat a stick of dynamite. The only way you can put a positive spin on the people pleaser is by exploiting their stupidity by making them do extremely stupid stuff for your own amusement. Some examples:
Running into wallsJuggling chainsawsEat a stick of dynamitePierce their eyelids shutAmputate and appendage without anesthesia with a spork(Insert additional amusing antics)

The Self-Involved Clingon: This one is a sneaky bastard. They lure you in by making you think that they are normal functioning friends and once they have you sitting comfy they spring the bitchfest on you. They don't even say "Hi" to you anymore the first thing out of their mouth is something that is annoying them that day. "That guy didn't call me like he said he would" Yeah because your smothering him with crazy. I have had the misfortune of coming across more than one of these characters in my life. The latest one which I will call Stalkerella has been on me like shit on Velcro for the last month. Not only have I been socially kidnapped by a nut job, she also insists on calling me at all hours of the night with an inane crisis that she feels is more important than me getting my full 9 hours of sleep. In the first place I don't give a shit. In the second place I STILL don't give a shit.

The Full Blown Stalker Clingon: The Worst. This moves beyond clingon and becomes fatal attraction. They act nice as pie when you give them the attention they are wanting but the moment you move on to another friend they see it as a competition for your soul.
Ways to tell if your friend is a stalker:

· They know your schedule. They show up mysteriously wherever you will be such as popping up in the bushes at your Grandma's funeral.

· They insist on taking pictures of you constantly for the scrapbook (shrine in which to meditate, cast spells, obsess, and masturbate to) they are making to chronicle your friendship. They never let you see the pictures. Half the time you don't know they are taking them. When you see weird flashes outside your bathroom window and hear "oh yeah that's right, just like that": be concerned.

· Your other friends get death threats in detail if they don't stay away from you.

· They begin to look, act, and talk like you do. That favorite shirt you own they have it too; complete with your jeans, shoes, hair style, colored contacts, and a replica of the engraved gift your significant other gave you with YOUR initials.

Beware the clingon. Better yet be suspicious of every friend you ever make because they might one day try to steal your kidney while you're sleeping and use it to clone you.

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