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The Unraveling: Relationship Disengagement and The Robust Repair Plans of Intimate Reconnections

Published by Robert Thomson | November 15th 2008 | Views:

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They come singly or in pairs. Eyes teary or vacant, hearts full of sadness or with a curious absence of feeling, the unraveled. Many roads lead here, but only two roads emerge as destinations: flee the relationship or bring it back to life. Most cannot imagine remaining in the lifeless corpse that has replaced their once emotionally and sexually charged intimate relationship. For some, the relationship has lost all but roommate status. For some, a friendship remains but romance and sexual intimacy have been absent a long, long time. What triggers their appearance at my door? Sometimes it is an attraction to someone else that suddenly reawakens them from their slumber. Sometimes it is survival from an illness that threatened their very existence and sharpened their resolve to live a more joy filled life. Often it is triggered by the awareness that their substitute for real partner intimacy, their children, are becoming appropriately independent and will be leaving soon, creating the possibility of an unbearable void. After all, we are just now wrapping up an era in which parents were so emotionally invested in their children that they could not bear to leave them on vacations, thus creating a social phenomena that drove Las Vegas and Sandals Resorts, among others, to include family friendly marketing for a decade.

Most couples are reasonable enough to expect that the intoxicating cocktail of brain chemicals emitted during the falling ch suggests that there are three elements related to the building blocks of love: passion, intimacy and commitment. Passion includes the elements of romance, sexual attraction and desire for physical intimacy. It is the spark in new relationships that may fade in intensity over time. Intimacy relates to the emotional connection and feelings of bondedness experienced by couples as their relationship deepens. The ability to be emotionally vulnerable and communicate on a deep level, the belief that the partners will support one another through difficult times, mutual understanding and compassion are elements of intimacy. This is the element that all too often unravels from neglect when, in long term relationships, career building, care taking children and elderly parents, a lack of attention to the emotional, recreational, spiritual and romantic needs of the partner continue unmet. The third element in a love relationship, commitment, is, in the short term, the decision to love someone; in the long term it is the determination to care take that love, even through the rough up and down’s of real life. The element of commitment may sustain a relationship that has temporarily lost passion and intimacy. In thinking about love relationships this way, it is the commitment which is challenged in many of the couples I see, due to the ongoing loss of intimacy and/or passion.

Nancy and Daniel are a professional couple in their late forties. They see one another as great friends, respect each other’s intellect, and have similar values and parenting styles. They present in my office for help. Their sexual relationship has been lackluster and infrequent since the birth of their second child, a child born with many physical and emotional challenges. Both remember meeting on the Florida beaches during Spring break and experiencing great passion and the ability to act playfully and spontaneously with one another. As passion faded and they replaced mutual emotional intimacy with child rearing, the sexual relationship became more of a service organization role for Nancy who felt that her good husband deserved sex, this pattern eventually diminishing her interest in sex even more. As Nancy tried to avoid triggering sexual desire in her husband, she began to unconsciously avoid affectionate or sensual contact. His response was to pull away emotionally. They were too civilized to fight over the loss of intimacy, simply accepting it as a natural sequence of events. As they anticipate their youngest child about to leave for college, neither is sure they can remain committed to what each sees as a friendly but disengaged marriage. Nancy and Daniel relate a common theme in many of the couples I see, of having had that connection, losing it, and hoping for its’ revival. It is for them that Intimate ReConnections Couples’ Retreats were devised.

While working at the pioneering Master’s & Johnson’s Clinic in the days before there were many trained sex therapists, couples from around the world left their careers, communities and children for a two week stay in a well appointed hotel nearby, to be seen on a daily basis, intermixing a mini- vacation with relationship and sex therapy. Despite struggling, often for years, with sexual difficulties frequently resulting in a breakdown of emotional connection, in short order many of these couples found themselves able to recover those feelings and passions long buried. While many of the couples seen at the Clinic were dealing with sexual difficulties such as erectile dysfunction or anorgasmia, many more couples seen today are struggling with lack of sexual desire and emotional closeness. These couples, seen locally by a cadre of well trained relationship and sex therapists are often challenged to make weekly appointment times and carve out time for the relationship, the challenge sometimes resulting in slow progress and loss of hope. As I was reminded of the robust progress made by couples in intensive work at the Masters & Johnson Clinic, the idea of combining a long weekend mini-vacation away from everyday struggles in an idyllic natural setting with daily individualized couples counseling and educational group sessions with a small number of selected couples to learn about communication and common relationship challenges, relaxation and mindfulness, with the help of a trained relationship and sex therapist was born!

Early results of this reinvention, of combining a mini-vacation with daily individualized couples’ sessions for couples who have drifted apart emotionally and sensually have been highly successful here in St. Louis . The new venture, adding an environment especially selected for its’ restorative natural properties promises to be even more successful in setting the stage for the return of intimacy and connection. A three month telephone follow-up ensures that the transition back to everyday life provides a space to sustain the progress made.


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